and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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