I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize