I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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