I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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