how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I've blown a few things in my day
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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