We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
