Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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