i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
