from now on my penis is your penis
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
