watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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