She's JV to your varsity
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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