i always forget guys have bellybuttons
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
