I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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