final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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