She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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