I can tuck mytits in my pants
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
