so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
