If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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