He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
