My nipple is on Facebook.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize