she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
