and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
