You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
