So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
