1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize