I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it hurts more in the daytime
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
