I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
