Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
