Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
