Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
