in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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