Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
