A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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