I hope mine doesn't look like that
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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