I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
