Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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