And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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