someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
