I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You left your phone here
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