This dress was meant to end up on your floor
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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