you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I deserve this hangover.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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