I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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