Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
