I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
