More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
