I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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