just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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