i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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