oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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