Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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