Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
