Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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