Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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