I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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