dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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