Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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