you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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