Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
50% drunk capacity currently
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize