Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
