...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
