real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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