So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
false alarm. still invincible.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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