whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize