So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
