This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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