That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
