so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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