Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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