Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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