Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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