someone threw a dead crab at me
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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