I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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