This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
