I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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