I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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