I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
