he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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