so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize