I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
